I’m back!

A belated Happy New Year to all of y’all. As you may, or may not, have noticed, I’ve been away since…basically the back end of December. Christmas is a personal nightmare for me what with my mental health and all so it’s taken me a while to recover…but I’m back now and I’m gonna try and start posting again regularly.

So let’s have a quick look at what I’ve been doing during my hiatus.

I did a whole bunch of socialising, and more-or-less survived it.

I read three books – which is pathetic, but I haven’t really felt up to it. I did set myself a challenge to finish all the discworld books this year. I’d already read 29 of them, so I’m finishing the rest and starting the audiobooks from book 1.

I lost a whole bunch of weight which was pretty cool. Got a long way to go before I’m considered a ‘healthy’ weight, but its a step in the right direction. I’ve been taking my dog for much longer walks and I’m even going to try swimming again, so that’s exciting!

I started a Year In Pixels / diary to keep track of how I’m feeling day-to-day, which has been weird. I’ve also started a thing on twitter where I list a couple of things I like about me per day, which has been a challenge and I’ve only been doing it a week!

So now some bookish goals for the year.

As I said, I’m gonna finish the discworld series. Pratchett is my favourite author so this is an exciting goal for me.

I’m reading first drafts of a couple of authors works, which I’m so excited about.

I’m starting a new writing project. It’s gonna be more light-hearted than my current WIP, about a fish-girl who goes on some sort of adventure. I’m not sure what reading age it’s gonna be aimed at, but I kinda want it to be a kids/teen book, so that should be fun.

So there we are…things happened, things are happening, I’ll try and update sometimes and there we are.

 

Personal: My First Pride

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Thanks for the Rainbow laces Stonewall ūüėÄ

Today was a good day.

If you read my bio (which you can find here:¬†About Me‚Ķ) then you will know that I fall firmly into the LGBTQIA+ camp. I’m trans / non-binary, and either a-sexual or pan-sexual, and either a-romantic or pan-romantic (it’s hard to tell when you share your head with other entities). I’ve been out and proud for over 5 years now, and I’ve never been to pride.

“Why not Holly?” I hear nobody asking! It’s because when I think pride, I think London. That honking great parade with quintillions of people, lots of noise and the big parade through the city. It’s like the worst possible combination of things for me. Also, I didn’t really see the point. Sure I’m queer, and it’s nice to be around other queers, but apart from my friends, I wouldn’t know anybody and I can hang with my friends without the crowds.

But this year, they did pride in Ely (which is 10 minutes down the road from me). They’ve never done it before, and Ely is pretty small, and my bestest buddy was going to be there anyway so I thought I’d go and see what it was like.

IT WAS GREAT.

I figured it would probably just be like any other Saturday fair that we have all the time, just something for ‘the family’ to do, and it was, BUT it was more.

The first thing I noticed was the amount of people walking around wearing pride flags like capes. This was awesome, but then it’s pride, people wear rainbows. Then I noticed it wasn’t just rainbows. There were trans flags, ace flags, pan, bi, all kinds of flags. There were queers EVERYWHERE! It was beautiful.

Ely is out in the sticks. There is¬†nothing around, nothing to do. It’s really, REALLY easy to imagine that you are literally the only queer around. But suddenly there was loads of us, and we were all thinking the same thing:

I AM NOT ALONE!

I walked behind a pair of young people briefly, and one of them said, “Nobody told me what this would be like. I think I’m gonna cry!” This person had just seen me and my buddy walking around with pride flag capes, and they were clutching a little rainbow flag like it was the most important thing in the world, and I knew EXACTLY how that felt, because I felt it too.

It was just wonderful to see a celebration of queer folk in our out-of-the-way neck of the woods. People were happy and having fun, and you could feel how much it meant to the queer folk who were there. You could feel how important it was for each of them to realise just how not-alone they actually are.

Thanks Pride in Ely, can’t wait for next year!

Personal: My ‘Open University’ Journey

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My graduation listing ‚̧

In the beginning…

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be an archaeologist. I used to watch Time Team with my mum and say “I’m going to do that when I’m older!” We went to museums and places of historical interest, watched documentaries – I even went to see a Time Team dig!

As I worked through school, the plan was to focus on history and take a related subject at some university or another. The desire to go to university was kindled when I attended a taster week at Girton College, Cambridge and fell in love with the possibilities.

Then, at secondary school, I discovered physics. All of a sudden I found myself wanting to study astrophysics or some equally difficult sounding subject. This feeling became stronger when I realised that the schools only wanted to teach me ‘Early Modern history’, something I have next to no interest in.

At Sixth Form, I was split down the middle – Humanities VS Sciences. I took Classical Civilisations, Philosophy, Physics and Maths.

Then disaster struck…

I had been depressed for a long time – I was bullied a lot – and I fell into a deep depression, causing me to fail my AS Levels (and making me hate all the subjects) and drop out of Sixth Form after my first year. They tried to persuade me to stay on and do retakes but I couldn’t see the point. My university dreams went up in smoke.

I did very little for the next year. I worked a bit, and mainly just sat around feeling sorry for myself. Then my mums friends introduced me to musical theatre. They got us tickets to a show they were part of (Monty Python’s Spam-a-lot) and took my family for a tour around the theatre before the show. I’ve always been interested in music – but suddenly a new path opened up for me – I wanted to be an Audio Engineer and work in the theatre.

I found a private college, the SAE institute in London, and signed up for a diploma course. The plan was to complete the diploma within a year, then see how I felt about the degree.

Then disaster struck…again…

After a few months of commuting – ever day – between my home and London I found myself depressed again. I was exhausted, I hated the travel and the noise and the crowds – I hated London in general. I was doing worse and worse in my assessments and I had to leave the school. Once again I found my university dreams, and indeed my life plans in ruins.

I don’t actually remember what I did for the next year or so. It was that kind of misery.

Then came a light in the black…

My mum had done an Open University degree herself and she encouraged me to look into it as a possibility – anything, she said, would be better than sitting around being miserable.

So I looked, and discovered AA100 – The Arts Past and Present. A bit of all the arts subject just called to me – reminded me of my old dreams of History and Archaeology. It wasn’t long before I had signed up.

AA100 was a great course. It was really broad in what it covered – we looked at art, poetry, philosophy, music, history, religious studies…some of it I loved, some of it I wasn’t so keen on (I’m looking at you, Opera). But for the first time in years things were looking up.

Next up, came A200 –¬†Exploring history: medieval to modern 1400-1900. That was a tough course! I don’t think I had ever had to work quite so hard at anything in my life before. Sometimes people say that distance learning isn’t the same as¬†real brick-and-mortar university – and they are right, just for the wrong reasons. People often think distance learning is some how¬†less than¬†in person, but it isn’t. You have to be motivated, and hard working – you have really work at your research, finding your own answers. You have to make get used to getting help and helping others using an online portal rather than face-to-face. It’s hard work, but it’s incredibly rewarding.

At this point my life took a bit of a wild turn. History was not looking like the path for me. I tried to love modern history, but I couldn’t do it – somehow, my mind thought back to AA100 and screamed out “You’re doing a religious studies module!”

This was totally unexpected for me, as (at the time) I was one of those staunch anti-religion folks.

A217 – Introducing Religions blew my mind wide open. I discovered a subject I now have a passion for and a religion I didn’t know I needed (I’m now a practising Buddhist). We studied the “Big 6” of religions in this country – Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism and Sikhism. I really cannot stress strongly enough how influential this course has been in my life. This course brought back my love of philosophy and shaped the course of the rest of my life.

From this point on, I was all about religion and philosophy. I took A222 –¬†Exploring philosophy, A332 –¬†Why is religion controversial? and A333 –¬†Key questions in philosophy, to finish my course – ending with a BA(Hons) Humanities with Philosophy and Religious Studies. I worked harder than I ever have before and I loved every minute of it.

But that’s not the only thing I loved…

The material I studied over the course of my degree has been amazing. I have loved studying it immensely, but the course content is not the only thing that makes the Open University a truly special institution.

I need to talk about the staff – both tutors and support staff alike.

I’ll start with support staff.

2013 was a time of massive change for me. During the first few months of the year I realised that I am transgender. Transitioning to become ‘Holly’ and live authentically as myself was a monumental task – and this was not made any easier by the response I got from almost every institution I have any contact with.

The government, my doctors, all the people I needed to inform took¬†forever to make the change. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my GP surgery to change my name and title in their system. The DWP¬†still¬†haven’t fixed it in theirs. This caused me a great deal of anxiety and misery for a very long time.

Enter the OU.

I was assigned a specific staff member (whose name, alas, I cannot recall), who was in charge of making all the necessary changes. I had a number of conversations with this person about exactly what my needs where and what I expected the OU to do. She was incredibly friendly and supportive. I said that I needed my name, title and gender marker changed everywhere and she explained exactly what was going to be changed, who would be aware of it and when it would be done by. The whole process was extremely easy. It made an impossible situation infinitely easier.

At no point have I had any trouble from the university about my gender – something I cannot say about any other organisation I’ve been involved with. The whole thing was organised quickly and discretely and I will never stop being thankful for that experience.

But it wasn’t just gender issues. I also have had significant mental health problems during my course of study – issues I still struggle with.

This time I have to praise my tutors – many of whom sometimes received emails explaining that I was circling the depths of misery and devoid of all hope. The response I received from my tutors was overwhelming. Without exception, my tutors provided me with reassurance that I was not alone in this and that support was available. On one occasion I had to defer my study for a while at the suggestion of my tutor. Along with the suggestion, I was reminded that this wasn’t a the end of the world, and that my study could continue when I felt up to it. I was reminded that this wasn’t a failure – it was part of life, and the university was there to support me.

On another occasion, I was greatly stressed, as I had read the content of an upcoming TMA, which involved reading about the value of life. This didn’t feel like a possibility as I was already convinced that life had no value at all, and I din’t want confirmation of this. My tutor went out of his way to make sure that this assignment did not cause me undue stress, offering multiple solutions to the potential problem. I would never, and I mean¬†never have made it through the year, let alone the course, without my tutors support at that most difficult of times.

At the end of my final tutorial of my degree, our tutor took us out to a cafe nearby and we had a long discussion about our plans for the future. It was wonderful to see that even though we didn’t see each other daily, as you might in a brick and mortar university, our tutors still cared about us as students and as people and was really interested in our well-being and our plans.

Then came graduation…

I have written in detail about my graduation day here (Personal: Graduation). It was a wonderful day, that I never thought I would have seen.

The Open University and it’s staff have been a beacon of hope, and a trusted companion in what has been a very difficult, and often hopeless seeming life.

I never really realised until I was sat watching my fellow graduates cross the stage, just how much pride I felt at being a member of this fine institution.

The Open University has supported me through some of the most difficult times in my life. It has provided me with and opportunity to study – which I couldn’t have done at a brick-and-mortar university. It has given me something to belong to, and something to be proud of. It has given me a chance to live a life I genuinely thought was lost to me.

I am a proud Alumnus of the Open University. I will soon, once again, be a proud OU student – I am (hopefully) starting a BSc this year.

The motto of the University is Learn and Live. The Open University has given me a chance to do both, and for that I am forever grateful.

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O.U. Pride <3<3

Personal: Graduation

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So, yesterday I graduated…

After 7 years of hard work, I finally graduated from university!

I studied for a BA(Hons) Humanities with Religious Studies and Philosophy specialisms, for which I received a 2.1.

I have been dreading this day…

I have been saying for years I didn’t want to attend graduation. It’s too many people, it’s lots of pressure, smart clothes…all things I struggle with. I wouldn’t say¬† I was¬†forced to attend, but I was very strongly pressured into it. I’m really glad that I attended.

On the day…

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The ceremony was held at Ely Cathedral – an absolutely beautiful building about 6 miles down the road from me.

The sun was shining all day (until literally the second we got in the car to come home). As you can see, the place was packed out, and it’s not even half full in that picture.

First, I had to get my robes. It was about a thousand degrees in the Lady Chapel of the cathedral where the robing happened – I genuinely thought I might die. It all felt a bit weird, and I really wasn’t into it until I got outside with all the other graduates in their robes.

I have never really felt much university pride, what with the Open University being a distance learning provider – but suddenly I was brimming with it. I felt so proud to be walking around in my robes with my fellow grads. It was awesome.

We had to sit through a great deal of organ music – which I’m not a fan of at the best of times, but it was certainly loud.

As an autistic person with a serious anxiety disorder, I find change and the unknown impossible to handle. As such, I was incredibly fortunate to have the support of the Open University staff in order to get me through the ceremony.

They organised it so my mum and dad could sit next to me – on the front row no less – then they ran through exactly how things where supposed to work. When it was my time to hit the stage, a staff member came and found me and took me to where I needed to go, reminding me exactly what was going to happen.

They took our pictures of us shaking the hand of the pro-vice chancellor of the University as he handed us our certificates – I’ve only seen such a genuine grin on my face a couple of times in my entire life.

The awards went on for ages. There were just so many graduates Рevery one looking so proud and happy.

IMG_2374.jpgSomewhere in the middle, they awarded Baroness Rebuck ‘Doctor of the University’ (I think). She has worked really hard to stress the importance of reading and literacy and to encourage people to read – especially those who can’t or don’t – I really respect that and was inspired by her, as reading has been such an important part of my life. I had a bit of a chat with her afterwards which was pretty cool (I never strike up conversations with strangers). To the left is a picture to prove it actually happened!

To close the ceremony, the pro-vice chancellor gave a speech about what the Open University means, and how we should be proud of our hard work and proud of our University. At this point I was absolutely overflowing with University pride and it felt amazing. I felt part of something bigger, something precious. Something I didn’t want to let go of. Something I want to be a part of for years to come.

When the ceremony was finished, all the graduates and collected staff had a procession through the cathedral. Since I was at the front, I ended up second in the procession after the staff and such Рif I felt important swanning around in my robes, it was nothing compared to that procession. It was awe inspiring. There I was, in the midst of my fellow students, parading through a sea of well-wishers. It was easily the most incredible experience of my life.

Afterwards, we went through to the garden of the Old Palace – I have no idea what that building actually is or indeed was.

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This was a really beautiful moment – just to sea so many of us in our blue and gold robes. A display of hard work and dedication. Champagne was kicking around, although I don’t drink so I had apple juice.

It was a truly spectacular day. I feel proud of what I have achieved. I feel proud to be an Open Universty Alumnus, and I hope to be able to play a part in the universities Alumni Association. I cannot wait to dive right back in to my next degree with the OU – a BSc in Computing and Information Technology.